These are the stories that shaped my life – these are my Memoirs.
Joe Hoover is the much-lauded writer of Application for a Visa Barclaycard, despite the publishers declining his work, he still continues to have faith in his writing and is still attempting to find a publisher to accept his piece. He currently resides in London with his partner and his cat.
Valentine’s Day was always an awkward time at school, the depressing need to find a partner to exchange cards with or else be outcast from the cool kids to hang with the freaks. It was especially hard not even fancying the girls, but social norms required you to feign interest.
At the tender age of 8 a girl gave me her Valentines gift, a Star Wars themed toiletry set, which included Darth Vadar’s head as a soap on a rope. The thought of cleansing myself with the snout of this dark overlord didn’t entice me to keep up proper hygiene protocol.
I didn’t buy her anything in return and I even broke up with her as things were obviously moving to fast if she had begun buying my toiletries. This was much to the chagrin of her elder brother who upon being told of my treatment of her proceeded to wait for me on the metal bridge which connected the two school buildings over the main road. Pinning me to the side he demanded I stump up the 50p she had spent on the Star Wars bathroom products, or else!
He then followed me as a I descended the stairs and pushed me down the few remaining steps, the surface of which was akin to a cheese grater with it being made such a way to provide a steady grip upon your feet in those Health and Safety conscious times.
Luckily my mother had never heard of a loose change jar and kept all her change in her purse. This weighed her handbag down to such an extent that she had to take her shopping trolley everywhere with her to wheel her treasure chest of silver and copper coins around with her, she wasn’t going to miss the 50p I stole from her booty.
This enabled me to repay the debt and avoid the threat of violence to myself, though I still hate Star Wars to this day.
This experience did teach me to treat people better, so when I was dating someone on my birthday, a month prior to Valentines Day I would gratefully accept their gift. I just made sure I broke up with them at an equidistant time between the two dates so I never missed out on a birthday gift and that I never broke a girl’s heart on Valentines Day.