These are the stories that shaped my life – these are my Memoirs.
Joe Hoover is the much-lauded writer of Application for a Visa Barclaycard, despite the publishers declining his work, he still continues to have faith in his writing and is still attempting to find a publisher to accept his piece. He currently resides in London with his partner and his cat.
Valentine’s Day was always an awkward time at school, the depressing need to find a partner to exchange cards with or else be outcast from the cool kids to hang with the freaks. It was especially hard not even fancying the girls, but social norms required you to feign interest.
At the tender age of 8 a girl gave me her Valentines gift, a Star Wars themed toiletry set, which included Darth Vadar’s head as a soap on a rope. The thought of cleansing myself with the snout of this dark overlord didn’t entice me to keep up proper hygiene protocol.
I didn’t buy her anything in return and I even broke up with her as things were obviously moving to fast if she had begun buying my toiletries. This was much to the chagrin of her elder brother who upon being told of my treatment of her proceeded to wait for me on the metal bridge which connected the two school buildings over the main road. Pinning me to the side he demanded I stump up the 50p she had spent on the Star Wars bathroom products, or else!
He then followed me as a I descended the stairs and pushed me down the few remaining steps, the surface of which was akin to a cheese grater with it being made such a way to provide a steady grip upon your feet in those Health and Safety conscious times.
Luckily my mother had never heard of a loose change jar and kept all her change in her purse. This weighed her handbag down to such an extent that she had to take her shopping trolley everywhere with her to wheel her treasure chest of silver and copper coins around with her, she wasn’t going to miss the 50p I stole from her booty.
This enabled me to repay the debt and avoid the threat of violence to myself, though I still hate Star Wars to this day.
This experience did teach me to treat people better, so when I was dating someone on my birthday, a month prior to Valentines Day I would gratefully accept their gift. I just made sure I broke up with them at an equidistant time between the two dates so I never missed out on a birthday gift and that I never broke a girl’s heart on Valentines Day.
Le Clown
/ February 14, 2013Joe,
Somewhere, someone is crying that you have written Darth Vader, Darth Vadar….. That someone is me. *tears*.
Le Clown
joehoover
/ February 14, 2013Is he gonna do that neck tightening trick on me?
Le Clown
/ February 14, 2013Joe,
He’s getting old… My guess is perhaps just “the voice”, and he might even call you Simba.
Le Clown
joehoover
/ February 14, 2013I get the voice but not the Simba connection.
I never did get Star Wars, my friends do abuse me for this already
Le Clown
/ February 14, 2013Joe,
Sorry… I’m a pop culture whore. James Earl Jones, Vader’s voice, is also the voice of Mustafa…
Le Clown
joehoover
/ February 14, 2013Ahh, I see! You’d be handy on my pub quiz team
gingerfightback
/ February 14, 2013That’s the most beautiful story I’ve ever heard.
joehoover
/ February 14, 2013Thank you, it is a day for sharing love. If you have a sweetheart you better break up quickly before they expect dinner tonight.
gingerfightback
/ February 14, 2013I know I’ve got to nip out and buy Ma Fightback some cod – oh yes the flame still burns……
joehoover
/ February 14, 2013Haha! Glad to hear it!
gingerfightback
/ February 14, 2013And wrap the fecker in pancetta!
joehoover
/ February 14, 2013That sounds nice, I’m alone, my other half is in Vancouver. I’ll be round at 7.30.
gingerfightback
/ February 14, 2013You are more than welcome Joe!
joehoover
/ February 14, 2013I’ll make my excuses and leave if things heat up
El Guapo
/ February 14, 2013Silly girl,, everyone knows if you want to show love, you get the droid soap on a rope.
Hopefully this incident didn’t put you off cheese?
joehoover
/ February 14, 2013Washing yes, but never cheese.
(I really should bite the bullet and watch Star Wars, I am missing so many references)
pouringmyartout
/ February 14, 2013This story was sad and beautiful. But the part where you looked forward to a good Vader cleansing made me laugh out loud.
joehoover
/ February 14, 2013I’m running out of things I remember from childhood to parody in this series. I must have shut most of memories out. I remember that though as I hated Star Wars and though she doesn’t know me at all! The things that cross our minds at 8 years old
pouringmyartout
/ February 14, 2013Still… a good sudsy rogering from a dark space lord…. and all that… eh what?
joehoover
/ February 14, 2013I was only 8, I think I’ll sue LucasFilm
pouringmyartout
/ February 14, 2013If that works out you should end up pretty well off… ha!
joehoover
/ February 14, 2013He sold it to Disney, I’ll call them now. I had to call Disneyworld once for my boss, they were so overly nice I almost puked down the receiver. Then they transfer your call and it makes a sound like a fairy’s wand swishing through the air ending in a sparkle. Hard to describe, you’ll have to phone them to hear it
pouringmyartout
/ February 14, 2013I bet you make that same sound in the heat of passion… HA!!!
joehoover
/ February 14, 2013I don’t have sex, I’ve been in a relationship for 6 years!
pouringmyartout
/ February 14, 2013You crack me up.
WSW
/ February 14, 2013Ever the romantic, Joe.
joehoover
/ February 14, 2013I may have made a steak dinner.
Meal for one instead
Madame Weebles
/ February 14, 2013This is so moving, Joe. You should teach classes on How to Dump Someone So You Don’t Get Your Ass Kicked. Sucks to have your other half thousands of miles away. Hopefully you’ve compensated as best you can with a steak dinner and lots of booze.
joehoover
/ February 15, 2013I made myself a vegetarian Thai curry, it’s one of my signature dishes. Actually working on a another blog for that side of things, details revealed soon!
benzeknees
/ February 15, 2013You are truly heartless Joe – to break up with someone AFTER they buy a birthday present & before you have to buy them a V-Day present!
joehoover
/ February 15, 2013What can I say, I was a lothario at 8 years old!
She's a Maineiac
/ February 15, 2013Wow. I don’t know whether to laugh, cry or gasp because you’ve NEVER seen Stars Wars?! C’mon, man! You’re kidding me, right?
Also–is it bad that I laughed throughout your entire story? Does that make me an evil jaded person? Oh, god, Joe, what’s happened to me? God, I hate Valentine’s Day…
joehoover
/ February 15, 2013What is with the devotion people have for Star Wars, I never got it as a kid, nor ET, I hated that alien, it looked like a scrotum.
I’m glad you laughed, intention achieved!
She's a Maineiac
/ February 15, 2013Oh, now, I’m TOTALLY with you on ET looking like a scrotum.
aFrankAngle
/ February 20, 2013Just want to stop by and say hello as I haven’t been around.
joehoover
/ February 20, 2013Hello Frank! I’ve been lax on reading blogs the last week, have some catching up to do myself. Also been writing a new blog soon to be launched, no I am wondering why as I have little time these days as it is.
It’s all good fun though