Still feeling a bit down about my failure at The Oscars (more on that later) it was with great joy that I found myself the recipient of three, THREE blogging awards in the last few weeks.
Sorry for the delay in responding chaps.
Firstly, I never know who doesn’t like getting these or not so I won’t pass any on (unless you really want one), I never really understood them before but it gave me something to write about.
First up is the creative chaos award from laurengraceevans, I had not seen this one bandied around before, but I like gorillas and I like smoking, and this is a kind of dragged up smoking gorilla so that’s very nice.
Name three things about yourself that are weird:
1) I always sit down to use the toilet at home. I hate standing up, I hate standing on the bus and the tube (obviously I’m not urinating then). I don’t like standing up when I go for a cigarette in the garden, if it’s been raining and my patio set is saturated I don’t enjoy my cigarette half as much. Sitting down on the toilet enables me to catch up on some reading and I can never be the one blamed for spraying all over the floor. Obviously I don’t sit down when I’m out….that would just be embarrassing.
2) I tried to grow the longest single forehead hair in the world. I have one that was left behind when I receded a bit and I had dreams of it being long and flowing and that it would waft in the breeze. It never grew more than an inch though. I thought about getting a hair extension on it but turns out that went against the rules in the Guinness Book of Records. It’s also the star of my silent movie Odyssey of a Keratinized Filamentous Epidermal Growth which missed out at the Oscars. I’m working on the Directors Cut which I’ll premiere here soon.
3) I like to cook an even number of things, I bought a pack of bacon last week, “8 unsmoked thick cut back bacon rashers” the pack proudly claimed. There were only 7 inside, I cooked 6, the single one I will have to use in other ways, I may cut it in half and wear them as porky sideburns.
Number 2: You must tell why you look at the “glass half full” scenario and ask “what? No coffee
I don’t get what I have to do here? I like coffee if that helps, I also like booze. Coffee with Kaluha’s pretty awesome. If my glass was half full of anything but booze I probably wouldn’t say “what, no coffee?” - I’d just wonder why no one has topped my drink up yet.
Number 3: Complete one the following essay questions:
A. You find yourself in a desolate place when your car breaks down. You have no cellphone service, no Walmart, and only a candy bar for food. It is 150 miles to the closest town. What color are your pants and why?
B. You find yourself having to ride an elevator quite frequently. How do you pass the time to show off your creativity?
I’ll go with B, if I were travelling in a lift, I would pass the time by masturbating. This would ensure no one else enters the elevator so I have exclusive access and if it were to break down then I would have more air available for my own survival – which I would need as I’d be requiring more oxygen after all the energy spent masturbating. You say it doesn’t show creativity? Well that’s only because you haven’t seen the artistic efforts resulting from my ejaculate since no one comes into my elevator, but it’s better than what those elephants do who paint with their trunks.
Number 4: Then you are to nominate 5 random people.
Number 5: Make sure to show proper gratitude to the person who nominated you whether that is to shower them with gifts, prizes, and cash or to see that they are put into a clown costume and photographed for internet mocking.
Ok, cheers Lauren!
Number 6: Make sure to post the award somewhere other than the underside of the toilet seat.
Of course, if I put it on the underside of the toilet seat I would not be able to admire the gorilla’s make up job as I’d be sitting down with my back to it.
Next up is The Lieber Award, generously donated by pouringmyartout
1. Thank the person who gave you the award
I was going to recycle my planned Oscar speech but the star of the film committed suicide so that feels inappropriate. Thanks for the award! Go and check him out, he’s great.
2. Put up a link to their page
3 Copy and paste the award onto your blog
4. Pass on the award to five bloggers that have less than 200 followers
5. Let them know they won the award by commenting on their blogs
That was an easy award, nothing to answer
Last up is from Turber and it’s the Versatile Blogger Award, I like this one as I’ve always considered myself versatile, in fact that’s the very term I described myself on the dating site I used some years ago. In recognition I will cast Alan Rickman as the villanous eyebrow in the big budget remake of Odyssey of a Keratinized Filamentous Epidermal Growth (she’s got quite the crush on him)
1. Thank the award-giver and link back to them in your post.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
I’ve already given three weird things about myself…I’m getting the feeling these awards are all blurring into one. Which is like the most important award though? You know like when you had the WWF as the major wrestling federation but then there would be the less popular ones trying to jump on the back of the WWF’s success.
Didn’t it always confuse you that the WWF shared its name with the animal protection organisation? It made me wonder if they had rescued Hulk Hogan from the wild and were raising him in captivity, the cage fights at Wrestlemania always struck me as cruel in this sense, wrestlers should be able to roam free in their natural habitat. (I see it’s now the WWE? I’m trying to guess what the E stands for without looking it up – Enema? Am I close?)
Where was I….
1) I’m punctual. I’ll be at the bar waiting.
2) I suffer fools, gladly. They’re a lot of fun.
3) I took my first flight when I was 23, I got my first pet when I was 33. I get there in the end. (I might even lose my virginity soon) Only kidding, I’ve done my share of whoring.
4) I think I’m more amusing in writing than in person. But I’ve been told I mumble so maybe they can never hear what I’m saying?
5) I currently have 8058 songs on my Ipod, only 3 of them were downloads, I don’t care for downloads.
6) I’ve lived in London for 15 years, out of all my friends in that time I think only 2 of them are actually from London. (Update: since found out one isn’t from London so that leaves a solitary person)
7) I can’t click my fingers, people have tried teaching me, someone got so wound up they felt like punching me as they thought I was doing it on purpose. I just ain’t got rhythm.
3. Pass this award along to 15 or 20 of your favorite bloggers.
4. Contact your chosen bloggers to let them know about the award.
Last time I passed an award on only 1 person responded but I think I didn’t actually tell them they’d got it?!
So all I am going to do is direct you to my blogroll, they’re all brilliant so just check them out, I think others already nominated most of them anyway such is the length of time it took me to complete this post. I love some of the newer people I am following, so check out the blogroll, I may still have some to add there so sorry if you’re omitted
They’re all worthy of attention, but if anyone really wants an award let me know, or I’ll devise a special one with you in mind, it’ll still be a virtual award though so nothing you can actually hit someone with. Whatever murderous schemes you have in mind will have to be done without my help.
I have a special one for Hobbles who in just a couple of weeks of signing on here has become my record commentator and also took the 1000th comment too. This award is specially for you.
I found a game online you can play
Some background as you may not know who Zippy is: Zippy was a character in Rainbow, a TV show I grew up with. Zippy would be talking non stop that he had to be zipped up occasionally. He lived with a giant bear called Bungle, though I think it was a guy in a bear suit and a gay hippopotamus called George. Their human friend was called Jeffrey, and they also lived with 3 swingers called Rod Jane and Freddy who would partake in recreational drugs.