Distributor of death,15 minutes of fame and shameless self-promotion. – My week condensed

1) You know it’s time to wear your glasses at work when you misread a new customers company name.    Euroasia Ltd became Euthanasia Ltd in my faltering eyesight.   What kind of products are we supplying them I wondered? 

It wasn’t inconceivable to assume we’d sold them some of our switches:

Of course I then realised euthanasia is commonly reached by lethal injection but I didn’t have as much fun with that in my head.

I then thought what if we also supplied the lightbulbs that flicker when someone is electrocuted in the chair?   You think these things are superfluous but have you tried electrocuting someone in the dark?

2) “You love me, you really love me!”  I was thrilled to have come in first in the Good Greatsby caption contest last week after multiple attempts.

The knock on effect resulted in a whirlwind week, I was even invited to open a branch of Poundland, news of my win had circulated and I was quite the celebrity with over a thousand people turning out for the ribbon cutting.

This photo was taken just after a security guard threw a pensioner out for trying to get away with only paying 99p for a multi-pack of Curly Wurlys, she said she didn’t know it was £1 and after drawing her attention to the storefront outside she claimed she had cataracts and couldn’t see properly.

Needless to say she was banned from entering the shopping centre again.

And in other news…

3)  Keep your eyes peeled for part 3 of A Recipe for Murder – coming soon to an inbox near you.

A Recipe for Murder is a murder mystery crime caper starring the chefs of Food Network.  Names and events bear no resemblance to actual chefs of Food Network (I think I have to say that to prevent being sued).  Those of you with just terrestrial TV raised on reruns of Delia Smith telling you how to boil an egg won’t be familiar with the larger than life Food Network chefs so the mystery will be even more mysterious for you.

I’ve no idea how many parts will be involved since I am making it up as I go along.  But have hit a temporary brick wall, but it will continue as soon as I figure out some grisly murders or who the f*** is actually bumping off our lovable Food Network hereos for the finale.

You can view Part 1 and Part 2 here.

4) I will soon be adding a new feature of movie reviews since I am putting Netflix and Lovefilm head to head against each other on free trials.  I don’t expect the reviews will be of any use to anyone seriously researching what a film is like.

I also plan some interviews with some fantastic bands.  Well, the ones I am friends with anyway so it will be a short-lived feature but you need to listen to them as they are awesome, and I’m not saying that because I know them as I normally like nothing better than putting my mates down, so they must really be great.

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8 Comments

  1. Please, please, please tell me that Guy Fieri is offed next.

    I look forward to your movie reviews and band interviews…

    Reply
    • But Diners, Drive ins and Dives is my favourite show – we don’t get anything like those places over here. But I suppose Guy is not really needed, anyone could do that job. That’s decided then, Guy’s for the chopping block!

      Reply
  2. We have Dollar General, Dollar Tree, Everythings a Dollar….they pop up everywhere. It is only just the start. My mom thinks she’s hilarious and when she first went in the Dollar Tree she asked me how much every item she picked up was lol.

    Reply
    • That’s even cheaper, about 0.645 pence. Another example of rip off Britain!

      We have just poundland and poundstrecher. What about some new names, Poundgarden (for thrifty rock fans), or Poundabout (I was thinking about a roundabout, but now sounds like somewhere that encourages domestic violence)

      Reply
  3. The misreading of Euthanasia reminds of David Sedaris’ story of mishearing Youth in Asia as a kid.

    Reply
    • I don’t know him but after a google search I found the comment “borders on the offensive”

      Good enough for me, I’m off to Amazon.

      Reply
  4. “Of course I then realised euthanasia is commonly reached by lethal injection but I didn’t have as much fun with that in my head.” Hahahaha… very funny indeed :-) I love going to ‘Eurosaver’ when I go home (things are sometimes two euros though, so we beat you on the rip-off front) to marvel at all the cheap crap you can get for a quid or two, which you will never use, and which would break anyway if you tried. I think they should rename those places “Landfill Fodder”. Make it clear from the get-go.

    http://www.cakesandshakes.wordpress.com

    Reply
    • I’ve actually never been in one of them. And I forget there is the 99p store in Camden, that’s a whole penny saving.

      I should go and see what they have and who frequents places like that. I’ll take a camera and post my results

      Reply

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